Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
