I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
