hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
