you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
