I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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