so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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