I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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