I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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