It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Randomize
