she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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