I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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