worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
