Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
as a side note pls kill me
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
