I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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