Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
