I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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