I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
ugly people sure do ruin things
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Randomize
