omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Randomize
