By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
look no pants
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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