the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
