My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
