The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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