Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
