Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
