apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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