someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
