There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
