I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
