i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize