he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
