We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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