He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
organizing the empties. That sober.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
