I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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