I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
