I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
im six kinds of drunk right now
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
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