sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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