I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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