I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
