maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
