I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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