im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
