my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
