Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
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