she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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