I'm gonna have a badass scar
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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