so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Oh god it's open bar.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
