if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
