I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
