He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
