my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Text me some of your sweat
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
