why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
